Why I left my
family's church to find God through meditation.
(for those who may claim
that meditation or reading other spiritual books, etc., "led me astray", I quit before I even knew a thing
about meditation, let alone practiced it).
I really didn't
quit, I was driven away. And I now understand, I was "guided away". I was consistently physical abused by my parochial school clergy
and teachers. (hit with sticks, having objects
thrown at me, etc.)
I was also given unreasonable,
impossible punishments (like writing "I will blah blah whatever" a
thousand times, that COULD NOT be completed between the time I got home from
school, and bedtime. And their way of dealing with the incomplete
"assignments" was exponential - i.e., the next day, I had to turn in
TWO thousand, the next day FOUR thousand. I would be verbally chastised and
Finally, I faked illness to avoid
the now millions of sentences I had to write, in order to stay home from school.
finally figured it out something else was going on, and I finally told her why I
that drove me away, included knowing childhood pre-pubescent friends who were
raped by the clergy there. By their "holy representatives of
God". As adults, they are seriously psychologically and sexually
Another time, the kids were playing baseball with a priest/clergyman. He hit
a home run - right through one of the new, vastly expensive real stained glass
windows. When his superior came out in a fury, he blamed it on us. A "holy
man" lying to his "holy man" superior?
I was also told, and believed, that if you asked Jesus for something, you'd
receive it. I could see where that didn't apply to toys, bikes, Mercedes Benz
cars, etc., but I did believe it meant in times of crisis of certain
kinds. All through my childhood, I had severe colon disorders that caused my
unbelievable pain and diarrhea. One day it was so bad I was screaming in agony,
and prayed to Jesus to make the pain go away. It didn't. So I began to question
everything I was told, and found many "holes" in their dogma.
It also bothered me that they had off duty police guard their collection
plates in a back room off the entry hall. It just seemed that such a thing
wouldn't be necessary, because either God would be taking care
of that for them, or if someone stole some of the money, it was part of God's plan.
Apparently not in the eyes of church leaders.
The final straw was this:
During mass, many members stood along the walls of the wide side isles,
rather than sitting in the pews (benches), so as an adolescent, I did the same.
An usher came and told me, and me alone, to sit in a pew. I told him, thanks,
but I'd rather stand. Then, he went and got one of the police officers, and he
came over, and said much more brusquely and intensely, "Either sit down, or
leave the church". Then it hit me, God does work in mysterious
ways, and with all the other things that were starting to dawn on me about the
falseness of this religion, I thought to myself "A policeman entering the
church, breaking the flow and sanctity of mass??? This is God telling me to
leave". I never went back (except for one time to please a new
girlfriend who went to the same church) and became a temporary atheist. And
during that time, I did a lot of thinking.
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